Jesurgislac’s Journal

September 22, 2008

Ten Commandments for a PoPet as dictated by the pet

A PoPet is of course a Person owned by Pet. Any resemblance to a puppet is entirely your reality and should be ignored by your imagination. Based on this, thank you Heebie-Geebie.

  1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. I expect the highest standards of worship and catering throughout my life, whether you are present to provide it directly or not.
  2. You exist to feed me and to love me. Anything you want from me will be provided only at my whim.
  3. Trust me, I won’t eat that tasty human food you placed within my reach. At least not while you’re looking.
  4. There’s no point getting mad at me when I do things like throw up or crap where you don’t want me to. You may like to anthropomorphise me, but I’m just an animal. Get used to it. Buy more home insurance. I know how to act guilty and make you feel bad, though.
  5. Talk to me. It’s not that I’ll understand anything you say, but studies show that nine out of ten humans who talk to their pets buy them more expensive petfood.
  6. That time you knocked me off the table when I was just a cute l’il thing and one blow of your hand could bat me across the room? Yeah. So do I. There will be payback.
  7. By the way? See these teeth? Watch these claws? I could kill you while you sleep. I don’t, because I’m just an old softy, but I could.
  8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself this: if I expect my pet to actually understand what I’m saying, is there a problem with my pet, or with me?
    Right, now you’ve asked yourself that question, feed me. You were given opposable thumbs for a reason.
  9. Yes, I get old faster than you do. Better be nice to me then. Remember, you’ll get old too and you’ll want other people to put you in a cardboard box and take you to the human vet, or whatever you people do to each other when you get sick.
  10. Eventually, I’m not going to be around any more. How you’ll cope then, I don’t know. If you get a new pet, make sure it sheds the same colour hairs I do. Or else get a new wardrobe.

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