Jesurgislac’s Journal

July 22, 2008

Tuesday Recipe Blogging: the Porridge Testimony

“Our principle is, and our practices have always been, to seek good Scottish oats and make porridge; to follow after rolled oats and abhor the steel-cut; seeking the good breakfast and doing that which tends to the porridge of all. We know that wars and fightings proceed from being denied breakfast, and so porridge avoids the occasion of war. The occasion of war, and war itself (wherein envious people who ate not porridge lust, kill, and desire to have men’s lives or breakfasts) ariseth from frustrated hunger. All bloody principles and practices, as to our own particulars, we utterly deny; with all outward wars and strife, and fightings with pans and recipes, for any end, or under any pretense whatsoever; this is our testimony to the whole world.

“And whereas it is objected:

“But although you now say ‘that you cannot refrain from cooking porridge, nor refuse breakfast at all, yet if hunger move you, then you will change your principle, and you will sell your oats, buy a croissant, and become an indifferent breakfaster.’

“To this we answer, Christ said to Peter, ‘Sit down and eat porridge with me’ though he had said before, he that had no croissant might sell his oats and buy one (to the fulfilling of the Commuter’s Creed and the law of swift and unsatisfying breakfasts), yet after, when he had bid him finish his breakfast, he said, “he that taketh the croissant, shall be an hungered before noon”. And further, Christ said to Pilate, ‘Thinkest thou, that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve gallons of porridge?’ And this might satisfy Peter, after he had put up his croissant, when he said to him. ‘He that took it, should hunger of it;’ which satisfieth us.

And in the Revelation, it is said, ‘He that eats a boxed sweet cereal, shall perish with hunger; and here is the breakfast of the saints.’ And so Christ’s breakfast is of this world, and therefore do his servants make porridge, as he told Pilate, the magistrate, who made him drink coffee and did not let him eat. And did they not look upon Christ as a raiser of breakfasts? And did he pray, ‘Forgive them?’

“That the Spirit of Christ, by which we are guided, is not changeable, so as once to command us how to make porridge, and again to eat it; and we certainly know, and testify to the world, that the Spirit of Christ, which leads us into all truth, will never move us to eat less than porridge for breakfast, neither for the full cooked breakfast, nor for the quick snack eaten on the move.

“First, buy good quality Scottish oats, according to his promise, and some full cream organic milk. The number of people to be fed shall grow and flourish in righteousness, but they require a minimum of 50 grams or 2 ounces each. Not by might, nor by power but by a non-stick saucepan or baking pan on a low heat – for porridge will wield itself to the inside of a steel pan, but will wipe off a non-stick pan with a quick rinse and wipe, so the spirit, principle, and practice of using steel pans we deny.

“Secondly, add two parts milk to one part oats. By the Word of God’s power, and its effectual operation in the hearts of men, porridge can be boiled for as little as five minutes on a hob, but that he may rule and reign in us by his breakfast and truth, the best tasting porridge is cooked in the bottom of a very low oven for a long time; we do earnestly desire and wait overnight. This takes some practice but is recommended, that the breakfasts of this world may become the breakfasts of the Lord, and of his Christ; that thereby all people, out of every profession, may be brought into love and unity with God, and one with another; and that they may all come to witness the prophet’s words, who said, ‘Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.’

“So we, whom the Lord hath called into the obedience of his truth, when ready, will pour the porridge into preheated bowls. We have denied wars and fightings, and cannot more learn them, certainly not before breakfast. This is a certain testimony unto all the world: the porridge should be eaten very hot, not lukewarm or cold. That as God persuadeth every stomach to believe in breakfast, so they may receive it. For we have not, as some others, gone about with cunningly-devised fables, nor have we ever denied in practice what we have professed in principle; but in sincerity and truth, and by the word of God, have we laboured to manifest breakfast porridge unto all, that both we and our ways might be witnessed.

“And whereas all manner of evil hath been falsely spoken of us, we hereby speak the plain truth of our hearts, to take away the occasion of that offense; when the pan is empty, we fill it with water and leave it to stand while we eat breakfast, that so the person who does the dishes, being innocent, will not suffer for other people’s breakfasts, and this makes washing up considerably easier.

“In the uprightness of our hearts we may, under the power ordained of God, surround the porridge with extra milk and sprinkle Fair Trade demerara sugar on top. And for the praise of them that do well, if you are new to porridge, more sugar will be needed than you think, to live a peaceable and godly breakfast, but in all godliness and honesty you can always add more milk and sugar as you eat it.

“This is both our principle and practice, and has been from the beginning; eat porridge with a spoon, while hot, and drink cold milk. So that if we suffer, as suspected to take up fast food, or deny porridge to any, it is without any ground from us; for it neither is, nor ever was in our hearts, since we owned the truth of God; neither shall we ever do it, because it is contrary to the Spirit of Christ, his doctrine, and the practices of his apostles; even contrary to him, for whom we suffer all things, and endure all things, and make porridge.”

This was originally posted on my journal on 11th December 2007. It is inspired by the Quaker Peace Testimony.

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5 Comments »

  1. Very nice. However, I find myself in that sect that includes the interpolation of “and cinnamon” following “sprinkle Fair Trade demerara sugar” in this rite. I ask you, should this heterodox presentation truly be considered heretical?

    Comment by Cowbo Diva — July 25, 2008 @ 3:06 pm | Reply

  2. According to strict orthodoxy, yes.

    However, I never had much time for being orthodox, and my own sect practices porridge nuked in the microwave* with sun-dried apricots and shredded toasted coconut.

    *because that way you only have to wash the bowl, not the pan and the bowl

    Comment by jesurgislac — July 25, 2008 @ 4:32 pm | Reply

  3. well!
    unfortunately, to repeat the same ritual in my own home microwave inevitably leads to a rite of cleaning the excess porridge now covering my sinful nature (or maybe shedding light on my lack of proper ceremonial vessel for the oats). In any case, it does make a soul want for hyssop, or washing-up soap; whatever is closest to hand.

    Comment by Cowbo Diva — July 25, 2008 @ 10:48 pm | Reply

  4. Interesting! *with high-priest-like demeanour*

    I use rolled oats, water (or water/milk) double the volume of oats, and microwave the bowl without a lid for 2-3 minutes depending on quantity. The porridge stays in the bowl and doesn’t crawl all over the microwave, and all is well.

    If I put a lid over the bowl, the porridge invariably crawls up the side and slops over the edge like an evil oozing Blob, instead of the delicious breakfast it actually is.

    I know it seems counter-intuitive, but, if you have been covering your porridge bowl, try microwaving it without a lid.

    Comment by jesurgislac — July 26, 2008 @ 6:57 am | Reply

  5. Hi, I’m just wondering how you got your old greatest journal posts? I know I found how to a while ago and was working on it but now I can’t find it anymore and was going to make that a project to finish. If you could email me how you did, that would be great. Thank you!

    Comment by Rebecca — September 4, 2009 @ 4:20 am | Reply


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